I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
