I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
