1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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