he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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