In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
