He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
