My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
