I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
