highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
