Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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