My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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