Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
