i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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