guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
