New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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