I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
