When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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