My first STD was from a foam party
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
