Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
