Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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