when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just pee around me
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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