There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
ttyl tear gas
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
