I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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