i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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