Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I have fence marks all over my body
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