Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
