Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
