First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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