I showed him my bush... on skype.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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