just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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