just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
