I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
