Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
