im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
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