so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Randomize
