now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
