i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
