Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
