Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
