just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
