capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
