why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
