Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
