when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
