im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
