yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
