eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
