your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
