She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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