I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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